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moments of silence

It was around 10 o clock. I was hungry - about to cook dinner. But for the next 15 minutes, I was stalled by one thing. It wasn't a phone call, it wasn't a neighbor, it wasn't a pressing task, nor nature's call. It was me. I was looking through my music folder, searching for a few good tracks to play. Couldn't decide on anything. Then I turned on the TV app on my PC - nothing interesting was on. I went through my movie folder, but didn't feel like watching any movie.
So for 15 minutes, I was scrambling around trying to find sounds that I could hear while cooking. As time went by, I was getting more and more bothered for not finding anything. Then I wondered -

why do I need sounds really? 
How much time in a day do i spend in quiet by myself?

I live alone and yet I am never quite alone. I am either reading something, talking to someone, watching some video or listening to music. Days on end I spend, consuming media - incessantly.

I realized something else too. I am pausing for shorter time. For example, while reading the recent Kundera novel, after I read something particularly illuminating, I didn't pause for long enough time to reflect on it. I was in a hurry to move on. Yet another example - sometimes while listening to songs, I interrupt the song at the fag end, and start another song. Its almost as if I am terrified of pauses, of disruption in my media consumption. 


There are too many inspirations and insights that I am taking in, but none that I am acting on. ted talks, insightful articles, literature, talk/events with intelligent people.. all of these things are not adding up to anything concrete. not right now anyways. I am accumulating wisdom, without acting on any or contributing any.


We really need one idea in life to run with. and it occurs to me, we really need it to be an only one idea. With too many ideas, we end up doing nothing.
So, no chasing any more ideas. Only listening to self to see which idea i can run with.
What i should observe is not anymore media, but silence.

I will try to see, how much time do I spend in silence every day.
Would this experiment interest you? Tell me too, how much time in a day do you spend in complete silence? (Not consuming media, not doing anything engaging, being alone.)

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Withdrawal symptoms

Ctrl-tab
Ctrl-tab...
Scroll Scroll Scoll..
Alt-tab
Alt-tab...
Catch yourself slipping away.

Deep  breath. 

Close the browser. silence the mobile and turn it away.

Open an offline-real-paper diary. Stop your thighs from lolling impatiently. Stay still. 

Pick up a pen awkwardly. ahh, the fingers are stiff. It will take a  while for them to get used to holding a pen. Quick finger exercise - open the palm, stretch finger outwards, close into a fist, dig the fingers in. Repeat.
Ok now.. about to pick up the pen again, but eyes dart towards the screen. Tempted to check email.

Shut up. The last consequential email came two months ago. Nothing of consequence is online.

Pick up the pen. Don't fetishize the object now. Get on with it. Put it on paper, write a word and start it already. If I get to a sentence, perhaps I will get into a flow and won't have to look up from the paper at all. 

One sentence later.

Ahh. That was good. I am feeling good about myself. The sentence makes sense. …