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lost keys

Perhaps, the single most important force that shaped my life is my impatience and greed for newness.
i loved playing synthesizer. i joined classes to learn it when i was in 5th standard. the day I learnt 'papa kehte hai' i was riding my bicycle wildly with joy and hands in the air. no handlebars. triumph. I saw triumph in the fact that quickly i was able to find melodies of any song on keyboards within minutes. then the quest became to play faster songs. then it went to learn classical notations and ragas. (i never paused then to master my fingers, to control, to hold, to pause, to get that exact timing. i was much too impatient.) and that was my undoing. I saw this vast reserve of yet unknown music. the book of notations that my teacher had, was quite expensive. and i wanted all of the notation sheets in it. so i set about writing those notations in my notebook. that took away a month or so. and then my teacher didnt have to teach me, so she kept on supplying me with notation sheets, which i duly copied and tried to play.. without supervision.. she couldn't be bothered. i was trying to play raagas on keyboard only through notations without ever having heard then, and she wasn't bothered to let me know that its futile. i saw notations as this whole new discovery.. i was enamored by it.
soon the class didn't seem a friendly place with others doing something else than what i was doing, the teacher not bothered about me, and the loud renditions of bryan adams on guitars by students.
so i left the class, with half baked understanding of music and very average skill. the thing was, i cannot be bothered by skill. i knew there will always be thousand others who would be good at the skill than me. for me the quest was always 'invention', 'discovery', creation of new. i did infact create a few musical pieces. none were complete.. like most other things in life, they were incomplete. they lacked cohesiveness. and most had a certain sameness.. the kind of melody i knew of then. music was only melody to me. rest didnt matter. i didnt know beyond 3/4th and 4/4th rhythms. anything else was exotic and i tried to play it, but couldnt do so convincingly. i still can't figure out chords beyond the basic major ones. and still dont get its relation with melody mostly.
but in the process, my notebooks (3 of them) with notations, some of my own became quite valuable. some guys who were learning with me routinely used to take them for help. i didnt mind. and then someone took it and never returned. that killed a part of me.. my labour of 2-3 years gone.
and then at school we, a bunch of classmates, tried to play ensemble.. as a band. nobody understood how to get the sound right when 4-5 instruments were playing together. we just played it louder or softer depending on what we heard ourselves.
after that event, a little bitterness left the synth lying without me touching it for quite some time.
wanted to graduate to bigger keyboard where i could play with both hands.. until now i was using sa35.. the small one, and only played melodies with one hand/or accompanying chords with one hand.. never the 2 together.
a few years afterwards, i wanted to get back to synth. so i joined classes again. here the teacher was a unreasonable cocky man. he had taught the army band or something earlier.. that probably was a small stint, but he took that army badge on his demeanor permanently. plaques in his class read. 'rule 1. boss is always right. rule 2. refer rule 1. ' some shit like that. i am a born rebel, how could i remain associated with such dictatorial idiots for more than 6 months. music for me then meant freedom, and here he was never allowing me to question the logic of what he was teaching. i just saw it then as a ruse of prolonging my training and as such addition to his bank balance on my behalf. this was cause, i was quick to learn and mastered compositions (this time, both hands :) ) in a few days, where others used to take weeks. he was trying to put together a band or something and wanted me in. i was happy. but then he said i must buy my own keyboard. it wasn't possible for me then. but he insisted on it and that was my last day at the class.

and for a long time i had nothing to do with playing any musical instrument. then i came to MICA. i was looking forward to reviving playing synth here. but i saw golee playing keyboard and was blown away. he had amazing skills, and amazing humility. there was a lot for me to learn before i could even think of touching a keyboard. first was humility and patience.
but i have started from zero twice already and a third attempt would be a little difficult. chuck with his big heart has lent me his keyboard. but i havent really started playing it yet. hmm.. enough of writing, must start sa re ga ma all over again now.
fickle fickle mind u.. the keys.. the keys..

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Withdrawal symptoms

Ctrl-tab
Ctrl-tab...
Scroll Scroll Scoll..
Alt-tab
Alt-tab...
Catch yourself slipping away.

Deep  breath. 

Close the browser. silence the mobile and turn it away.

Open an offline-real-paper diary. Stop your thighs from lolling impatiently. Stay still. 

Pick up a pen awkwardly. ahh, the fingers are stiff. It will take a  while for them to get used to holding a pen. Quick finger exercise - open the palm, stretch finger outwards, close into a fist, dig the fingers in. Repeat.
Ok now.. about to pick up the pen again, but eyes dart towards the screen. Tempted to check email.

Shut up. The last consequential email came two months ago. Nothing of consequence is online.

Pick up the pen. Don't fetishize the object now. Get on with it. Put it on paper, write a word and start it already. If I get to a sentence, perhaps I will get into a flow and won't have to look up from the paper at all. 

One sentence later.

Ahh. That was good. I am feeling good about myself. The sentence makes sense. …