Digging for Meaning

“Reflect on what you see. Remember, though, that to reflect is not to rush to determine the rights and wrongs or merits and demerits of what and whom you are observing. Try to consciously refrain from value judgments—don’t rush to conclusions. What’s important is not arriving at clear conclusions but retaining the specifics of a certain situation." Haruki Murakami Covid gifted us a time and space to reflect. It forced us to spend time with ourselves and in doing so, made us aware of who we really are. And what can be a more beautiful and useful gift than that? It was as if I was standing in the center of many mirrors kept at different distances and angles from me and being forced to observe, really observe what was reflected in those mirrors. And as you take these multiple views of self, a whole picture emerges that is smaller, more fragile, more ordinary than you thought before. Here's one of the realisations. The realisation that I suffer from a habit of quick bias. The...

 1. The worried squirrel The attention to threats. worried of being persecuted. worried of being blamed. Shifty eyes, danger may come from anywhere. Back bent, ready to apologize, back out. One foot on the back-foot. Ready to run away. Nervous energy. choppy noisy mind. unfocused. mind grabbing at potentialities. reality is out of focus. Attentive, not to present moment, but to future uncertainty. Attentive to one's bonded labour, not to freedom of thought and action. And since, one is not attentive to present moment, one is likely to make mistakes, not respond appropriately, overreact.  2.The shell  The awareness of one's own shell. Aware of shell's place in its surrounding. The attention to one's own shell. Calm mind. Not presupposing anything - neither danger nor pleasure. Back straight, anchored in Here. Not backing out, nor running ahead. Both feet firmly in the here and now.  Calm energy. Clarity of mind that sees what is, not what can be or should be. Ready to...

We live in a fog.  The daily Sisyphean chore is to  try and clear that fog. If you can watch your breath, that is enough. 

  It feels as if the existential despair has no beginning nor end. It is like the Ship of Theseus. It is made up of many issues – climate change, rising xenophobia, fake news affecting perspective of family members that you can’t change, health concerns of family members in increasingly polluted cities, threat of violence in a polarised world, financial insecurity owing to shifting economic landscape… and so on. With time, the concerns grow and recede, but the heavy and concrete shape of despair remains.

There's a me from past. There's a me that exists now. There's a me in the future (hopefully).  Does it do any good to consider these three me's as one? I make excuses for the past me. I push my responsibility on the future me.  I never really am conscious of the actual 'me' of now. To live responsibly, to live at my maximum capability, I need to live in now. to be here. to own up the moment. to not begin with the assumption that i will have another chance, that i have enough time, i was the best in the past, that i have proven myself...  i must truly cut my past and future self away from me.  The me from past is another person. I can judgementally look at him and must see his faults for what they truly are. I shouldn't give him the benefit of doubt of being me. His successes are his successes, so are his failures. His story is his. And everyday i have an opportunity to start anew. I am born anew everyday. And as such, i must not take for granted anything. Mu...

Its june 2020 now. its been five and half months since the start of the year. But it feels like decades now. Three months of being anxious and home-bound. Rising covid cases. Migrants dying of govt apathy. Cyclone ravaging parts of country. Police brutality everywhere. The inspirational Black Lives Matter struggles in US. Libya, Lebanon, Iran, Yemen in crisis. Mass unemployment across the world. Economy in tailspin even as stock market zooms up for god knows why. Earthquakes. Mudslides. Oil spill in Russian arctic. Oil well burning uncontrollably in Assam. Wildfires in US, Canada, Russia. Warming planet. Wild life in peril. World being led by idiots like Trump, Bolsonaro, our esteemed great leader. Only countries with women leaders fared better(Germany, NZ). That says something, doesn't it? Trust in authority is waning. news is suspect. facts are questionable. conspiracies lurk around every corner. So misinformation rules and scapegoats get crucified even as the real players conti...

On our birthdays, do we really 'turn' a year older? or to put it another way what changes when we grow older? what does it mean to be 35, 59 or 87? there's the reality of degradation of body, accumulation of experiences, calcifying of certain biases and prejudices, getting used to certain rituals and practices and so on. but none of these things are linear. so why should age be? I wonder about notions of age among people in pre-industrial societies. they probably weren't as obsessed about linear growth as we are. Capitalism thrives on an ever expanding baloon of abundance and consumption. So that sense of growing permeates everything. we are supposed to get better, stronger, wiser, faster at everything. if we can't we are supposed to 'buy' tools for it. That's the basis of capitalism. if we stopped that want, the engine of capitalism will come to a grinding halt. Imagine yourself free of that want! no need for 'growth'. no sense of milestones. no...