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Cloister life


 

What good am I if a friend can't trust me with her feelings. I thought she was a good friend. May be I am being too judgemental and quick to descend in gloom, but I am, more than anything else, doubting my own ability to build relationships. (I guess, I am being self centered, thinking about myself rather than her woes, that has got her distraught in the first place. Instead of trying to coax her into telling me something so that I may help, or to lighten up her spirit, I am here writing this... but i also sensed that she wanted to share her grief with someone else... so i guess i was right in leaving them alone.)I have never been good at building relationship. May be I am too lazy for it. May be I just don't get it. May be I lack that social gene which enables one to have relationships. May be I am too bloody naive. Correction... i am too bloody naive.

But then again, there are numerous incidences where my friends would surprise me by confiding in me their greatest and most secret sorrows and feelings. I was the same person then. Even seemingly distant friends (the hi-bye variety) would come to me with hope's gleam in their gaze directed towards me. I can recall one event where, a college colleague came up enthusiastically and said that I am his best friend. (I didn't even know his name then... I am bad with names!)

What do I make of this? People at first judge me to be something more than what I am... and then over a period of time, it seems they think of me to be a bit naive (and if that be so, i won't disagree with them. ) what's wrong with me? I am always quick to spot something amiss, but Why can't I sense what's amiss? Why do I shut myself up at the slightest hint of subordination, when mostly it's their reaction of being insecure themselves? Even though I understand people, why can't I use that knowledge to being a better person? Am I naturally comfortable being alone (sometime it does feel that way... I express my happiness most expressly when I am alone. I am most productive when I am alone. I also tend to be consistently happier and content when I am alone. It's as if the atmosphere around is bright and beautiful...colored and scented with choicest of hues n scents by my being. And in company of others these colours and scents get dulled, diluted or sometimes muddied. This is not to say that I don't enjoy others company. I do enjoy it too. It's the yin-yang coexistence of polarities at work again, it seems. ), or is it a reaction to my inabilities relating to relationship building and being conversationally dysfunctional?

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Ctrl-tab
Ctrl-tab...
Scroll Scroll Scoll..
Alt-tab
Alt-tab...
Catch yourself slipping away.

Deep  breath. 

Close the browser. silence the mobile and turn it away.

Open an offline-real-paper diary. Stop your thighs from lolling impatiently. Stay still. 

Pick up a pen awkwardly. ahh, the fingers are stiff. It will take a  while for them to get used to holding a pen. Quick finger exercise - open the palm, stretch finger outwards, close into a fist, dig the fingers in. Repeat.
Ok now.. about to pick up the pen again, but eyes dart towards the screen. Tempted to check email.

Shut up. The last consequential email came two months ago. Nothing of consequence is online.

Pick up the pen. Don't fetishize the object now. Get on with it. Put it on paper, write a word and start it already. If I get to a sentence, perhaps I will get into a flow and won't have to look up from the paper at all. 

One sentence later.

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