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august 19th 2005 Rakshabandhan 1429
I had decided not to waste any more time on this, but since when was I so strongminded! anyways, there's a lot that I realise every now and then,that shapes me, my life. And Its only right if I chronicle these very ideas, so that at any given day of my life, I dont find myself to be a void, a blank; to find myself a firm ground, knowing where I started, whats assimilated, whats sheded. and where I stand now.
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Its been few weeks, I havent listened to English Music. I am more n more returnig to Hindi. Most probaby, b'coz I am trying to learn a few things about singing myself :).
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Its a disappointing result this time around ,too. Well, I am all clear, but still, all I got is 51%. One improvement is the fact that, I wasnt surprised!
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I have a new theory. Of power and goodness. If u see our history, the geopolitical situation around us now, Its clear that its 'good' overall if the power is given to the powerful, one who can make decisions(not necessarily right) and stand by them, and shut other up, if need be, than , giving it to some one who is 'good' but not strong enough. This makes it redundant to say-'giving'. Snatch the power and stay there, thats the course of nature. I believe in nature. :)
we find that goodness for the masses follows where the reins of power are handed to meritorious. If, we have that luxury.
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In India we have reservations for almost everything, for almost every vote bank. Yesterday a bill was passed guaranteeing 100 days of employment to all of Rural household. Thats a mammoth 100000 crore bill /year on the exchequer. First of all this service will never reach the intended ones. I would be happy if even 30% of it trickles down to them. Then again its based on wrong premises. If u r guaranteed employment without considering merit, who would actually work. The govt is getting wrapped in its own web, making it harder for itself to stretch harder, make leaps, or even go ahead at all. Just surviving. thats all. And its not guaranteed.
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The object of all dereliction, writing this diary, I forgot what for I started it today. So long.
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aug 20 2005 1108
It seems 2 me that, I haven't 'learned' (scientifically, or academically) anything new for the past few years. As much as it is pathetic to know, it throws up some mighty surprises. That I can deliberate on complex engg. issues with the most elementary knowledge that I have. The bad one - that I can be ignorant of myself for all this while. How low is that! So Sorry for myself. How can I ignore my own evident downfall and still continue being smug riding on my overconfidence. I have always loved playing with this logic called - science, but now I see my career in management. But due to my downfall in learning anything new(something where I held edge), I find myself doubting the onbjective of taking that field for life. Ofcourse, the reason for taking management is to take the reins of my life in my hand, and to learn to create wealth, but still, if I would have been successfull earlier, I wouldn't have doubted myself.

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Ctrl-tab
Ctrl-tab...
Scroll Scroll Scoll..
Alt-tab
Alt-tab...
Catch yourself slipping away.

Deep  breath. 

Close the browser. silence the mobile and turn it away.

Open an offline-real-paper diary. Stop your thighs from lolling impatiently. Stay still. 

Pick up a pen awkwardly. ahh, the fingers are stiff. It will take a  while for them to get used to holding a pen. Quick finger exercise - open the palm, stretch finger outwards, close into a fist, dig the fingers in. Repeat.
Ok now.. about to pick up the pen again, but eyes dart towards the screen. Tempted to check email.

Shut up. The last consequential email came two months ago. Nothing of consequence is online.

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