Digging for Meaning

 lately i have watched quite a few movies where people get stuck in a time-loop. repeating the same day, every day, over and over again. palm spring. map of perfect tiny things. and ofcourse i have seen all the rest of them too.  today the thought anchored itself in my psyche though. what if i end up repeating today forever. a calmness flooded me. seriously. my mind was clear for the first time in two years. (covid hasn't been very good for my mind).  the first thought i had was to delete the whole work schedule from the day. all the meetings, ppts, calls... today i had a bunch of those and all of those were very skippable. so i would do that.  the second thought was to check what stock market is doing! maybe i could become a millionaire. i imagined everyday earning millions and donating it away quickly. may  it do some good. the day is stuck for me, but not for the rest of the people.  and that's when it struck me: if i could affect the world - every day -...

So often, it is through TV and movies that we form our thesis of life, isn't it?  Saw an episode of Masterchef Australia today where, for a challenge, there was a clear strong contender and two utter novices in creating desserts and another person with better chances than the two. guess who lost? the clear strong contender. worst part - she had something called 'immunity pin' that she could have used to get out of the sticky situation. But she didn't use it. presumably because she thought someone must have performed worse than her. Her exit was a shock. like any good reality television surprise, it spoke to us audiences at a deep level. She was a reflection of our own pride, our own fall.  I could totally identify with her. I have been there. many times. this episode made me conscious of it. and hopefully, won't do that again.  As a child, the world was overwhelming for me. Encouragement, validation, praise from the loving family and teachers that i received, only i...

“Reflect on what you see. Remember, though, that to reflect is not to rush to determine the rights and wrongs or merits and demerits of what and whom you are observing. Try to consciously refrain from value judgments—don’t rush to conclusions. What’s important is not arriving at clear conclusions but retaining the specifics of a certain situation." Haruki Murakami Covid gifted us a time and space to reflect. It forced us to spend time with ourselves and in doing so, made us aware of who we really are. And what can be a more beautiful and useful gift than that? It was as if I was standing in the center of many mirrors kept at different distances and angles from me and being forced to observe, really observe what was reflected in those mirrors. And as you take these multiple views of self, a whole picture emerges that is smaller, more fragile, more ordinary than you thought before. Here's one of the realisations. The realisation that I suffer from a habit of quick bias. The...

 1. The worried squirrel The attention to threats. worried of being persecuted. worried of being blamed. Shifty eyes, danger may come from anywhere. Back bent, ready to apologize, back out. One foot on the back-foot. Ready to run away. Nervous energy. choppy noisy mind. unfocused. mind grabbing at potentialities. reality is out of focus. Attentive, not to present moment, but to future uncertainty. Attentive to one's bonded labour, not to freedom of thought and action. And since, one is not attentive to present moment, one is likely to make mistakes, not respond appropriately, overreact.  2.The shell  The awareness of one's own shell. Aware of shell's place in its surrounding. The attention to one's own shell. Calm mind. Not presupposing anything - neither danger nor pleasure. Back straight, anchored in Here. Not backing out, nor running ahead. Both feet firmly in the here and now.  Calm energy. Clarity of mind that sees what is, not what can be or should be. Ready to...

We live in a fog.  The daily Sisyphean chore is to  try and clear that fog. If you can watch your breath, that is enough. 

  It feels as if the existential despair has no beginning nor end. It is like the Ship of Theseus. It is made up of many issues – climate change, rising xenophobia, fake news affecting perspective of family members that you can’t change, health concerns of family members in increasingly polluted cities, threat of violence in a polarised world, financial insecurity owing to shifting economic landscape… and so on. With time, the concerns grow and recede, but the heavy and concrete shape of despair remains.