Every morning, take a anti-pride pill

So often, it is through TV and movies that we form our thesis of life, isn't it? 

Saw an episode of Masterchef Australia today where, for a challenge, there was a clear strong contender and two utter novices in creating desserts and another person with better chances than the two. guess who lost? the clear strong contender. worst part - she had something called 'immunity pin' that she could have used to get out of the sticky situation. But she didn't use it. presumably because she thought someone must have performed worse than her.

Her exit was a shock. like any good reality television surprise, it spoke to us audiences at a deep level. She was a reflection of our own pride, our own fall. 

I could totally identify with her. I have been there. many times. this episode made me conscious of it. and hopefully, won't do that again. 

As a child, the world was overwhelming for me. Encouragement, validation, praise from the loving family and teachers that i received, only increased my performance anxiety - every praise raised my expectation of myself, the sense of my capability without actually increasing my capability. 

It became a vicious cycle. The genesis of that cycle was in a necessary escape that i had developed to cope with social anxiety - i didn't have many friends, so I made great explorers, scientists, philosophers as my friends who I read about in the books i loved. Somehow, i developed the notion that 

1. Great people are 'absent-minded'.
2. Thinking of 'eureka' ideas is the most noble of things. 'mere details' are for lesser mortals to worry about.

I mistook the side-effect/ the bug as the feature. The archetype of 'absent-minded scientist' became my north star. To daydream, to think big ideas became my daily ritual. I never bothered about working out the 'how to' of big ideas. 

This belief system has guided me in some important ways. it directed me towards a job that requires thinking 'big picture'. there aren't many jobs like these and in a sense its perfectly suited for my small set of capabilities. and in a sense, it has been constricting. i haven't been able to grow because of it. 

It allowed me to skirt around some tough real issues of life. It developed in me habits of forgetfulness and general chaos that are not conducive for 'building' a life's body of work. I didn't allow to develop in me a mental discipline of rigour and perseverance - essential ingredients to succeed in any endeavor of life. Most importantly, it gave me a false sense of supremacy. I wasn't even that bright, but it made me think as if I am uniquely intelligent, not just among my classmates, but among the world's best. That fiction stayed with me for a surprisingly long time. It turned any evidence against that into evidence of an exception or evidence of other's inability to see my special-ness. 

It probably was a part of a necessary fiction for surviving inner demons of childhood. and i have shed some of it. but its difficult to change paths once we are set aloft in a world. some grooves run deep. And i have been conscious of using some of those deep grooves of habits and behaviours to my advantage. The big picture thinking that i do compulsively has built in me a certain 'rigour' that i take for granted but is actually quite necessary and scarce. That makes my skills unique. I must leverage them more consciously.

This episode reminded me of this self-analysis. The strong contender reminded me of the many instances where i failed because my pride in my capability ensured that i lose. Embarrassingly, there's just too many instances of those. from another perspective - i am glad that i am conscious of it now. Being conscious of our own shortcomings is the biggest possible strength we can have. 

The other lesson for me was about who won. the novices, who were very very conscious of their shortcomings, were extra alert, they followed the recipes to the T, they were extra careful, they worked harder, they didn't get as flustered as the strong contender. When something went wrong, their ego didn't cloud their judgement to make the mediocre look as masterful. They saw things as they are. and that is a superpower that we need constantly. 

So here's something for me to keep in mind everyday. 

1. My biggest enemy is my own ego. Ego will blind me to my shortcomings, to real and present threats, to good opportunities that ego will label as 'beneath me'. Must call out my ego. Exorcise ego. 

2. pop a anti-pride pill every morning. if I find myself disregarding what someone is saying, or disregarding a fact, or if i sense a whiff of bias in my assessment - i will recognise the root of it in my pride and immediately stop the spread of that prideful miasma. 

3. I am at-best 'average'. So start with that in mind. Recognise that to build anything in life will require focused attention, faithful wok, long-lasting rigour and perseverance. 

4. Think big thinks. But they are meaningless until they find some voice through conscious deliberate and consistent work.