groundhog day

 lately i have watched quite a few movies where people get stuck in a time-loop. repeating the same day, every day, over and over again. palm spring. map of perfect tiny things. and ofcourse i have seen all the rest of them too. 

today the thought anchored itself in my psyche though. what if i end up repeating today forever.

a calmness flooded me. seriously. my mind was clear for the first time in two years. (covid hasn't been very good for my mind). 

the first thought i had was to delete the whole work schedule from the day. all the meetings, ppts, calls... today i had a bunch of those and all of those were very skippable. so i would do that. 

the second thought was to check what stock market is doing! maybe i could become a millionaire. i imagined everyday earning millions and donating it away quickly. may  it do some good. the day is stuck for me, but not for the rest of the people. 

and that's when it struck me: if i could affect the world - every day - its just a multiverse nightmare. the thought experiment implodes. its a sissyphean tragedy even if you are doing something good. or bad. 

the assumption here is - i can't affect the world. but i can remember. so i can't build anything in the world. but i can build my own thoughts, my capabilities. 

if I am stuck in a loop, its really about me. its the ultimate experience of me feeling, sensing, 'being there'. 

since last two years, i have been nervously starting stopping projects, unable to complete stuff, unable to pursue goals. the groundhog day felt like just the solution for me. 

i am stuck in real life BECAUSE I FEEL that i am running out of time. i am anxious about settling down, buying home, gaining financial security, building a body of work, learning skills, reading all those half read books, getting back to all my friends, living with my parents for a while, to do something really nice for my wife... the list is endless and keeps getting longer. it keeps getting longer because i feel overwhelmed by all of this, and end up doing nothing about either of these things. 

but on groundhog day, i get all the time to do these things... a few months worth of time of groundhog day to just breath in breath out. after all, what's the hurry! then just call up all the friends and family i haven't called up in years. i will take my time talking to them. 

every morning i will devote to perfecting breakfast. the goal is to delight my wife with all the possible world cuisine dishes possible with stuff in my fridge that day. the day must begin with happy tummy and happy wife. 

if i didn't learn the culinary arts on groundhog day, that would be a shame. 

then, i would devote as much time as i can to meditate and really strengthen my mind. i must learn to be in the present. this will be the single most important thing for me to pursue. 

then i thought of finally, really, learning to drive a car. yup. i can't drive. i haven't really had a need for it yet. but i do now. but today, i know my car in garage will not start. its batteries are dead. so i will have to get a mechanic, every day on groundhog day, to jumpstart the car. but hey, again, i have all the time. its tedious, but it has to be done. 

then i thought about financial security. i enjoy some parts of my current career. but i am not adding any good to the world with it. besides, the industry itself is precarious. i don't feel very secure in my career.the obvious thing then is to learn skills that are needed to stay relevant. i am interesting in digital products, psychology, maths, finance, arts... so that was decided. learn to code, practise building algorithms, specifically algorithm to trade on stock market with some amount of alpha. :) 

Then learn all 101. 

go learn singing, learn to play piano properly. without giving up this time. 

read all the books in the house. and some of the ones in laptop. 

and then i thought.. wait a minute, why am i doing all of these?

i am doing this with the hope that there will be an end to the groundhog day. and when life resumes, i would enter the next day 100x better than i was yesterday. 

but what if, there is never a next day. and i know it. 

and that's depressing isn't it. it was a blessing as long as i knew/ thought that the day will end. if it doesn't, then what will i really do? 

Its a pleasant enough a day actually.
I am with my wife. she is a bit anxious. its an important day for her tomorrow. so i have to be there for her. i cook breakfast, lunch and dinner today. I feel kicks and hiccups of our unborn child in my wife's belly. :D

these are the immovable parts of the day. i am lucky to be stuck in this day, of all days. 

I am sure, the tedium of cooking three times will catch up on me. but that's an easy one to solve.
what about the unborn child. is it not tragic to never be able to meet your child? all the anxieties about her/his health, our dreams and hopes, never answered. can't really fathom it. assuming the days go on for the child and my wife, i would live with the hope that everything actually went well. I must believe in it. 

there's certain beauty in it too. the presence of my unborn child ensures that i never lose hope. its a daily reminder that there is a tomorrow somewhere for her/him. maybe i would end up daydreaming of the days they are having as they grow up. 

i need the two activities to keep sanity - cooking and taking care of my wife. i will build a belief system around it. having a purpose, of taking care of someone, should keep me sane. the possibility of tomorrow for her, means that me taking care of her today, is not in vain.

the 9999999...99th day

can't really imagine. i won't make the mistake of counting days that's for sure. repeating a day would become habit, won't it. it would be the world for me. "that's how things are in this world." i would be the fish that doesn't recognise water. my dharma, my existence becomes taking care of my wife, making awesome meals and enjoying the kicks of our unborn child. that would be my life. i would have read, seen, learnt a lot by then. but it won't matter much. but neither would it not matter. i mean, even repeated viewing of some movie, becomes my dharma. using my knowledge to help my wife prepare for tomorrow, becomes my dharma. spending time together becomes my dharma. chores become essential routines, the heartbeat of my repeating life.
that's what it is. 

i will live on.